THREE DOGS AT THE VET...

THREE DOGS AT THE VET... 

 

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck

up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and 

said >> " So why are you here ? "

 

The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.....the

sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night

when I  pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

 

The black Lab said, " So what’s? the vet going to do ? "

 

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.

"They reckon it'll calm me down."

 

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ?"

 

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and

trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the 

carpets.   But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my

owners' couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

 

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here?

" I'm a humper,"  said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the

cat, a  pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.  I want to hump everything I

see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to

dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and

started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "

Hoax !

The States of Jersey Police sent out a press release about a "Parcel Delivery Service" scam which was picked up and printed by the local press, mentioned on the local TV news and on the postal service website.

The problem is it was five years out of date!

Policing at its best... 

but it is an example of how far and wide our messages can spread in our interconnected world,

and how we should never just accept what we are told by the media and/or authorities.

Change is inevitable

Change is inevitable,

except from a vending machine.

Buses

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 

Voices

Some people hear voices.

Some see invisible people.

Others have no imagination whatsoever. 

A lawyer and a senior citizen...

A lawyer and a senior citizen

 are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over 
on this one easily.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries 
to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that "the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question 
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if 
I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the 
game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar 
bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three 
legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an 
hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes 
right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks,  
'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Targets

To be sure of hitting the target,

shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 

Stupid

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Fire...

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Indecision

I used to be indecisive.

Now I'm not sure. 

Some members of the team are not taking me seriously

Cuddling

There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away. 

World School Photograph Database - This is amazing! - http://www.worldschoolphotographs.com/

Money can't buy happiness

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Hospitality

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Good Hunting

Good Hunting

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. 

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. 

The other guy whips out his 'phone and calls the emergency services. 

He gasps, 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

The operator says, 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

Back on the phone, the guy says, 'OK, now what?'

Diplomats

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Always borrow money from a pessimist.

Always borrow money from a pessimist.

He won't expect it back. 

77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. 

Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."

Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

Voices

The voices in my head may not be real,

 

but they do have some good ideas!

Skydiving

You do not need a parachute to skydive.

You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 

The path to success.

The easiest path to success is this:

1. Figure out what you want to do.

2. Find someone who's already done it.

3. Do what they did.

Conscience

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 

Christmas Party

The Work "Do"

Internet Marketing, just like any solo venture, can be a lonely business.

A lot of us spend many hours alone, hunched over our Macs and Pcs with little, if any, human contact.

This can be lonely at any time of year but especially so at Christmas time. 

And more importantly it makes the traditional office Christmas party a rather one-sided affair.

But I want to change all that.

I would like to propose that we hold a Christmas party open to all members of the Challenge and our respective Twitter and Facebook networks.

My initial thoughts on how it will work are:

Date: Friday 10th December

Time: All Day ( to allow for time-zones )

Venue: Skype, Twitter, and Facebook

Dress-Code: Depends on whether you have a webcam

Format: Using the Twitter hashtag #tcxmas, our Facebook walls and Skype contact lists - we mingle.

We bring our own drink and mince pies. This is compulsory.

There will be no shenanigans involving the photocopier !

All participants will be expected to wear a hat.

Over to you...

Americans

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ? 

Equality

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 

In an emergency :)

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "A DOCTOR".

Genius loves company :)

Thanks to Ed and the team for a great weekend at the Challenge conference. 

I'll let you figure out who's the genius and who's the company...

View from my room at the Challenge conference

Thankfully this wasn't a reflection of the conference

Banks

 A bank is a place that will lend you money,

if you can prove that you don't need it. 

Careers

I thought I wanted a career;

turns out I just wanted pay checks. 

Fire...

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire,

but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Stations

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

Stealing Ideas

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.

To steal from many is research.

The evening news...

The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 

A Ground-breaking New Approach to Total Personal Development http://bit.ly/b9qVIH

The early bird

The early bird might get the worm,

but the second mouse gets the cheese. 

Glowing Speakers http://on.fb.me/dcID2K

Glowing Speakers is designed to promote both new and existing speakers who are passionate about their subject and need to reach an audience.

Check it out here

http://on.fb.me/dcID2K

Frank Kern Success http://bit.ly/aoUckR

Knowledge and Wisdom

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

War does not determine who is right

War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 

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If I agreed with you...

If I agreed with you... we'd both be wrong.

Untitled

A real Diva !

I'm starting to see the negative reviews of Kajabi that I expected...

Light travels faster than sound

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I didn't say it was your fault

I didn't say it was your fault,

I said I was blaming you.

We never really grow up

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Do not argue with an idiot.

Do not argue with an idiot.

He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.